I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
