Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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