I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
