I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
