He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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