Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
