I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
