You just made me feel so damn special
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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