You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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