no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
