I heard we made out
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
