Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
