So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
