you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
