so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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