The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
