my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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