Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
