If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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