She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
