she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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