There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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