He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
