Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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