So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
