I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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