Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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