He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
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