Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
