i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
