i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
