Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize