And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
