Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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