There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
