im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
