First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
