What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
