I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
