I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
