did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
