so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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