mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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