I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
