my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
