According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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