He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Never joke about your clitoris.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize