The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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