I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
