So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize