Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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