Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
