I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
