i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
