Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
