I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
