o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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