so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize