Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
