I just cut my nipple shaving
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
