If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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