So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why did my mother make you get naked?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
